What Is It Like to Die?

                                             Donald E. Unzicker, 1 June 1956 - 19 October 2022

What is it like to die?

We lost our brother this past week. He died on a Wednesday morning. It was a heart attack, or so they believe. He’d had two heart attacks before; his heart was in such bad condition that he needed a new one, and he was on the transplant list for a while. But he also had severe kidney issues which made a transplant more dangerous.

I don’t know all the details about his health issues or anything else about his life. The last contact I had with him was at my mother’s funeral four years ago, and even then, he wouldn’t speak to me. Everyone at his funeral talked about what a wonderful guy he was, and how kind, caring, and helpful he was. That was not my experience with him. I never met that man.

There must have been a time when we were children that we got along. I have a picture of the two of us when I was two and he was four. We are standing next to each other with his arm around my shoulders, smiling. But I don’t remember that. The only memories I have are of him either beating on me, teasing me unceasingly, or…other things I don’t care to mention. He made my otherwise happy childhood a living hell.

I don’t dwell on the idea of dying. But I sometimes wonder what it feels like and how the transformation from a living being to the separation of spirit and flesh takes place. I remember a night when I was somewhere between sleep and wakefulness; I found that I could not move and there was only darkness around me. Silence filled the room and I felt as though I was lying in a void I could not escape. I began to wonder if I had died and that this darkness and silence were really all there was in death. I wasn’t afraid, but I felt something was wrong. Then I realized that I was still aware of myself, and I thought, “If this is all there is after death, will I spend eternity in this state? Is there nothing else?”

I began to pray, asking God if I had done something so wrong that I deserved to lie in this state of nothingness. Was this what hell really is – spending eternity in utter darkness? As I prayed, the tears began to roll down my face unbidden and I begged for forgiveness. “Please don’t let me spend the ages here all alone. The darkness does not frighten me, but being alone with no family and no friends is my worst nightmare.”

Suddenly I was able to rouse myself from my half-sleep state and realized I was still very much alive. And I rejoiced and cried again – not bitter tears, but with gratefulness at being alive and given another chance to make my life more meaningful.

So, was this what death is really like – an endless awareness without light or love? Or can death be what we have been promised in scripture – eternity with our loved ones in the presence of Christ and our Heavenly Father? I choose to believe that death is what we make it to be in our earthly state: a place full of joy and happiness, or an endless darkness, tortured by the memories of a meaningless existence full of hate and indifference.

I forgave my brother a long time ago. I know not everything that happened was his fault. I sometimes took advantage of the times I could avenge myself with payback. And his worst offenses against me were influenced by others; and yet, he was responsible for his own actions. Perhaps the memory of those events is what caused him to be the kind of man all those who spoke at his funeral testified of him. We cannot know what is truly in another's heart; whether he confessed and received forgiveness from our Heavenly Father for his offenses is not for me to know. What my prayer is and should be is that he knows that I forgave him and still love him no matter what. My prayer now is that he is greeted by our father and mother and that all is forgiven. I pray that they will teach him what they have learned, that his heart is changed for the better, and that he will be there in the end and we can be a family again with our arms around each other’s shoulders and big smiles on our faces.

LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING

 

It was a last-minute thing. 

The two scheduled speakers at my church had been exposed to COVID; they were being tested but may not be able to make it to church that Sunday. I received a call on Wednesday from a member of the Branch Presidency, asking me if I could give a talk I was supposed to have given back in December when I contracted COVID. I agreed and went to find the notes I had previously prepared.

But, as I read over the words I had written, I realized that the talk I had prepared for December was pretty much the same talk I had given three times before over the past two years. It seems my experiences with various conditions and illnesses had become my identifying feature to most of the members of our small branch; people often commented on how well I was able to deal with everything I was suffering through at any given time over the years.

They were so impressed apparently that they gave me the same subject to discuss each time I spoke - how the Lord Jesus helps us in times of need. It became a repeat service; I'd just go back to the past talk, tweak it a bit with some new information or different talks from Church elders, and - voila! - adversity and its solutions penned in an instant!

Yes, I had given the same basic talk too many times. It was becoming stale. How, I thought, can I make this talk sound personal and yet bring new life to the same old words?

It took me a couple of days and several heartfelt prayers to realize what should have been obvious. My previous talks had not been personal enough. I had used others' stories, others' talks, and others' experiences to explain what diversity is and how to learn and grow from the challenges adverse situations provide. I wasn't using the one source I knew more about - my own. How better to explain how I deal with adversity than to talk about the adversity I had personally experienced and the solutions I found for each experience? More importantly, I could show how each of my experiences had a specific purpose; there was a particular lesson I or someone else involved needed to learn or a strength I needed to gain.

So that's just what I did. My talk was based on one scripture.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

I talked about several of the occurrences, illnesses, and tragedies I had endured over the last four years: my mother passing away; dialysis and a kidney transplant; the open wound that was supposed to take 5 months to heal, preventing me from returning to work; online teaching due to COVID-19; and retiring from teaching due to my compromised immune system. When the COVID variants began to appear, my doctors insisted I stop teaching in the classroom altogether and work only online. Since Parkland Adult Ed returned to live classes in the Fall of last year, with no online classes available, I had to retire from teaching there. Unfortunately, having never earned my teaching certificate (I have a Bachelor's in Education and a Master's in Education with an endorsement in Math Instruction), and even though I have been teaching both in private and public schools for more than 30 years, I don't qualify for any of the online teaching positions offered because they all require certification.

Then, I explained how each of these things was either a blessing, a lesson, or a chance to make a difference in someone else's life:

1. My son, who was to be my designated caregiver after my surgery, learned during our orientation at the hospital that a live donor would be better for the patient than one from a deceased person. He immediately volunteered. * I almost didn't take him with me to that meeting because he had worked all night and was really tired. If he hadn't been there, he would not have learned about live donation, and if I survived this long, I would still be on the waiting list for a kidney.

2. A blessing from the priesthood at my church helped to heal the open wound in two months instead of the 4-5 months predicted by the doctors, so I was able to get back to work on time.

3. When COVID restrictions, including all online classes, were put in place, I had two weeks to learn all the new apps and online sites I had never used before but would need to use with my students for the next year and a half. I am not tech-savvy, so I prayed HARD for those two weeks and was ready to go when class started meeting online.

4. Since I can't find a teaching job right now, I am considering this forced retirement as an opportunity to return to one of my great loves: writing. I published two children's books on Kindle several years ago; they were part of a series I had planned but never got back to. Now I can go back to working on that series, as well as writing my blog, working on my other short stories and posts, and trying my hand at poetry again. I can promote the importance of live kidney donation on my blog*. I hope to be writing for newspapers and magazines soon, maybe even my own column. My crocheting, quilting, and embroidery are waiting for me (a good source of income); and, of course, my music is singing my name. Heavenly Father has allowed me to build on my other talents and share them with the world.

And I still have my hand in education as I homeschool my granddaughter and youngest grandson. My life is so full, and I am so blessed. 

You see; everything happens for a reason, and the Lord provides better opportunities for us than we could ever imagine. We just need to be patient and trust on the Lord.

*A Gift of Life: Living Donors Save Lives